During the last few days I have gained some interesting insight in discussing. Last Thursday I observed people who were having a meeting, a brainstorm. They didn’t really come to a conclusion or resolution, because – in my opinion – all of them constantly defended their own piece of land.
So here goes, some infallible* rules for effective discussions.
Don’t do it
Perhaps the most effective action you can take to make a discussion effective is to avoid it. That seems contradictory, but let me explain. A discussion, in my opinion, is a conversation between people where certain opinions or views do oppose each other (or at least do not endorse fully). There is something to discuss, a necessity to come to some sort of an agreement. Apparently it is necessary, so you’ll have to do it. But how and why did it become a must? Because you didn’t agree with it in the first place. You started the discussion, because you wouldn’t agree. So agree!
People tend to see change as a problem. The problem needs to be solved, we don’t like change, so we bring it up in a discussion. We want the old situation back, the way it used to be. However, change is good. It means something is going on, it’s the natural way things go. Things never say the same. You can resist that, bend it, lobby, work your way around it – it won’t work.
So what do you do? Agree? Snap – just like that? Let them walk all over you? No, of course not. You just approach something you perceive as a problem as something else: an opportunity. If you can do nothing against it, go with it and use it to your own liking. Use the influence you have, not the influence you don’t have.
Steer with, not against
That said, you’ll probably end up in a discussion the way you used to do. But now you have a chance, a chance to change the discussion and its outcome to your liking. Not by steering against the current, but steering with the current. Seek within the subject of discussion for things that can help you further. This is an opportunity to act, to change and to have benefit. It seems contradictory, but when you look at it from this perspective: the more problems, the merrier.
By many people, wise and unwise, this has been described as a “win-win situation”. It is a circumstance where both sides can have benefit, together. Neither makes a concession, because that’s win-lose and lose-win. Which is basically lose-lose and nobody wants that. Making a situation mutually beneficial takes responsibility, the courage to look at a situation from the perspective of the opposite person. By understanding their side of the story, you can discover what their real goals are and you can support them with achieving it. They, on the other side, do the same. You both come to an agreement that suits you both and is for everybody of equal benefit. It sounds utopic, but it is fairly easy to ask “What do you mean” to somebody, isn’t it?
Be reasonable
There are problems you can’t solve and there are solutions you can’t accept. When that happens, try to look beyond the problem. What happens if this continues? Make a plan for that situation. Is the solution still unacceptable?
Always suggest a reasonable solution. The opposite side of the table won’t agree with less. They want their money and so do you. Being reasonable is key in this.
Also, note that being reasonable also means that you’ll eventually have to accept something you don’t like. But do you really dislike it? Is it really that bad? Relativize the solution. What happens when it really happens? Is the world still turning? No? Really not? It probably still is.
When the world stops turning
Abandon ship. Come to an agreement with one another that you simply don’t agree and will part as friends. It is useless to fight against a current too strong. You didn’t lose, you just couldn’t figure it out and will try another way. It’s worse to continue with a bad solution, than to abandon discussion if you can’t agree.
The asterisk *: if you don’t agree to what I’m saying, feel free to discuss it.
